i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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