I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
