I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
