you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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