I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
