I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
