Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
