I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
