I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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