Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
