I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
