you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
