Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
