He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
