she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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