I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Randomize
