did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
