mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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