Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
