Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
