Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think pants incapable of making pants work
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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