Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
