There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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