I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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