"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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