Have you finally orgasmed yet?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
