I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
