Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
