I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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