New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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