the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
