So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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