I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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