Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She even gives head with a lisp.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
