Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
