He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
