i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
