Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My dick has a subreddit
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
