my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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