Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
