She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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