I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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