I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
