I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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