I want to walk on stilts...naked
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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