At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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