The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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