is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
