You're completely useless in the revolution.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
