Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
