It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
