I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
