there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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