A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
