No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
