So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
