Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
