And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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