They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
