I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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