i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
