Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
