Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
