yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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