At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
