I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
