last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
