Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
