Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
